45 minutes and a list.

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(this is the 2nd part of an article I wrote last week; YELL - ONE)

45 minutes and a list full of emotions. In a cold space filled with people waiting for someone to come or leave. I was nervous, kinda like, I was taking a test but the answers were right in front of me. You know, sometimes you are aware of the truth but choose to ignore it simply because you don’t like it. I’m not a delusional human being but I need to escape reality from time to time, this one, I did for good. My mouth started speaking and my heart just shut. I didn’t wanna feel anything I just needed to be done with this as soon as possible. Oddly enough I was more collected than I thought I’d be. For a second it felt like I was in a movie, it was surreal and so real at the same time.  

His answers to my questions were, for the most part, what I expected they’d be. I was listening to him and all I could think of is why on earth I put my self in such situation. I probably nod my head way too many times. My mind wasn’t really paying attention though and I couldn’t do anything about it. When he started talking I already knew what he was gonna say, he knew I wasn’t focused; I also believe he low-key knew exactly what I was feeling when some specific words came out of his mouth. It went down better than I expected. It was bittersweet to be 100 percent honest with you. My brain was satisfied; it won the battle over my heart. 

When my dad saw me a few hours later he couldn’t tell if I was happy or sad. All I told him was “I dealt with it, the way I was supposed to.” And I left; leaving him no time to form another question I wouldn’t want to answer. I’m still numb, I don’t know how to feel. I don’t know if I’m fine, all I know is I will be. I always do. I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I guess it’s my way of turning the page over to start writing a different story, where I pick the starring roles more wisely. 

All in all, my feelings about this person are the same. I believe that everything happens for a reason or a lesson; what this ‘relationship’ taught me is to not start developing feelings and ideals for people before making sure we’re on the same page. I’ve heard the greatest thing a human can have is peace of mind and at this moment, I’m very close to that.

Always,
Athina,x.

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