YELL - ONE

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Baby, 

I’m sorry. Not too much but I am. I wish I didn’t have to do it but I do. I hate it. I finally let my mind take over my heart. You have no idea how much I wish I hadn’t, it happened. I miss you already and it hasn’t even been 2 full days. 

Yesterday morning I woke up and decided I had to take a break from you, I told you, you said “okay”. I felt relieved, I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders, I was even happy; I was calm, at peace. Then I saw you, I ignored you. I was trying not to think about the whole situation too much. Around 9 pm my heart decided to give me a very hard time, I wouldn’t focus on anything other than the fact that I wasn’t allowed to text you. I knew it was going to happen but not that intensively. I went out, I drank, I could barely think of anything. I almost confessed to someone but, don’t worry, I didn’t say a word. I just needed to do it so badly. I swallowed it. 

Today, I woke up numb; I was okay, neither sad nor happy. I didn’t feel a thing. I was listening to music, that’s what I do in every situation basically. Emotions kicked in, I was standing there staring at the screen empty. Still trying to figure out how I could answer your question on why I wanted to take a break from you, from this, from… us. So many fucking reasons. I thought I was confused all this time, I wasn’t, I was in denial of what was really going on. Then you texted me, my first reaction: HELL NO, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU HAVE TO DO THIS NOW, SATAN? 

I was determined to not text you for at least 3 solid days and you come in without even asking and destroy all the process I had made till that moment. Trust me, it meant a lot to me. When you literally talk with someone 24/7 it’s very hard not to ask them what they’re doing or text them ‘goodnight’ before going to sleep. That text made me realize I needed a solution to get over this whole unhealthy situation faster. I wrote down all the reasons why I needed closure and asked you to find some time to see me. It’s so important for me to speak my thoughts out loud and there’s no other person I wanna confess them to other than you. After all, it is solely about you. We caused the mess together, love.

Real talk now. I love you; I love your darkness and your mind. I love the way you were concerned about me getting hurt or drunk. You had a way to calm my demons but also created some new ones I hadn’t met before; that was painful. I loved your childish side and hated the selfish one, probably because it looks a lot like mine. I learnt to love some parts of me cause they looked just like yours. At some point I was certain we were somehow related. I felt connected to you in a spiritual way, I low key still do, that’s why I’m hoping you’ll leave your mind set aside and try to really understand me. To be honest I never intended to hurt you, but I hope I'm not the only one feeling bad about this. I could go on forever but I’d rather say the rest in person.

ps. Promise me you won’t ever call anyone else your ‘favorite demon’.

Mentally always there,
 Athina, x.

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