The Farewell.

Baby, I'm sorry I'm telling you this over a text but if I don't do it now, I won't ever do it. I think it's time we give up on this 'friendship'. I'm done fighting for you. I'm done always worrying whether you love me or care about me. Friends are supposed to lift each other up we, apparently, can't do this for each other. I know you're just as tired as I am. Or maybe more. I'm tired of always being the one putting my selfishness aside so we make it up after a fight that wasn't even my fault and you not giving a fuck about making me feel better. I'm not blaming you or trying to make you feel bad, your personality is like this, I tried to accept it so hard, I swear I did. You broke my heart, I feel like you never really expressed your true, honest feelings about me because you were worried you might hurt me. It didn't work, I feel so bad but I have nothing left to give you. 

I wish I could fix you. I wish I could make you feel half as good as I felt around you. As peaceful as I felt when you were hugging me. Maybe I'm too much pain in the ass for you. I get it, as I said, I'm not blaming you for anything, honestly. Sometimes I wish I could take revenge, I mean, I could but unfortunately I love you too much to ever do that. I will always love you, care about your soul and your well-being. It will take me a really long time to forget about it, I know I will go through hell to get over it. But I will, I always do. I really wanted for this to last, I've never met someone who got me so well, who could see so clear through my darkness. In the beginning it felt like magic to me. It was beautiful, refreshing. 

 I don't believe in religion, I believe in God tho. I truly do with my entire heart. I prayed so hard for this last night and before even getting an answer my instinct about you changed. As soon as I stopped talking to Him it was like someone had slapped me and I could finally see the truth. I'm in pain; I've been aching for the past one month and a half. Constantly worrying about you just stop talking to me or saying the wrong thing to you and you getting pissed. But I loved you too much. I didn't want this to end; I wanted this time to be different. I wanted you in my life; I still do but not like this. I need a person that will for real stand by me no matter what. Anytime I need him not only when he's available. That's what a true friend does. I know cause I've done it. Maybe I really am asking for a lot but it's only cause I'm giving my heart and soul for the people I love. I feel so heavy in my heart writing this. 
I know you're sick of it. You've tried ending this a few times, yes, while you were mad at me. But you still did. I, never, no matter how frustrated I was told you to stop talking to me, ever. To me you were something unique. To you I was just another person in your life. It's fine, I'm not expecting from you to understand this. I wanna remind you, you were the first to say 'I wanna go out with you' you called me 'love' first. You made a move to kiss me, you invited me to your house, you said it felt like we were dating, you talked about hotels, about sexual stuff, it was all you first. Though you kept saying: don't fall in love. Obviously, why would I? I didn't, you don't believe me but I actually didn't. I know I'm in love when I get that feeling in my stomach. I never did with you. I'm actually surprised but maybe I knew in my gut something was wrong from the start. Not with you but with the situation. I believe that everything happens for a reason or a lesson. I don't know what you taught me exactly but I know for sure soul mates exist. Maybe we have more than just one out there somewhere. God, I really wish I could help you, I do. I'm sorry. You would never tell me anything about you, how was I supposed to help when you would stop talking to me when you were sad? Just how? While reading this you're probably thinking I'm being over-dramatic, well, maybe. That's honestly how I feel. Maybe I'm even wrong. Again, sorry. 

Remember when I told you, you should start worrying when I stop fighting with you? Well, it's happening. I hope you find happiness, you have both of your parents, you have so many friends and fore and foremost someone who loves you. I barely have 2 people I can call "friends" and my dad trying to fight for so many things on his own. I can't rely on him to deal with my depression or suicidal thoughts. That's why you were so important to me. Cause everyone; I swear everyone makes fun of it. And no, "don't do it" is not what you say to someone who wishes they were dead. I was the problem all along. You said you knew, I don't think you did. I am fucked up. I am. This is me. But I can still love and still have feelings. And that makes me if not happy at least pleased. I don't wanna send this to you but I have to let you go. 

If you ever need me I will be there. I mean this. When I said this is a forever thing. You, as per usual, made fun of me. But I meant it. I know you won't ever reach out to me but let me just believe you will. I know you'll eventually forget about me or I'll become an "odd story" to tell people or maybe you won't ever let anyone know I existed in your life. But as I told you before, you'll always hold a piece of me. It's the first time I feel love for someone in less than 2 months. But I did. That was real, still is. Maybe the only real thing there was. I can't believe that I won't hug or kiss you again. But I deserve better, I deserve someone whether that is a friend or a lover that will love me because I have so much love to give. This is my final goodbye. I hope life treats you right. Teaches you the lessons you need to learn. I want you to always remember the things I told you that night on the phone, I meant them. And with the hand on my heart, I hope no one makes you feel the way I'm feeling right now.

I love you always,

bye. x