Dear Mother.
Happy
Birthday mom. I miss you, it’s been 7 years and I still miss you more and more
every day that goes by. I’d trade my life just to get the chance to see you and
touch you for five minutes. I don’t know if you can see me or not. I don’t know
if heaven and hell exist. I’m sad most days of my life. I’m numb some others. I
can feel satisfaction, pleasure, sometimes even happiness. But it’s all
temporary. I’m losing myself. I hurt the people I love the most. I even allow
some walk all over me.
I’m sorry I’m weak. I tried to come to find you, they
wouldn’t let me. There are days I wake up without motivation to live another
day and nights I go to sleep hoping I won’t open my eyes again.
Mum, I hope
you’re proud of everything I’ve achieved. I know a lot of people disapprove of
the life I’ve chosen to live and the career I decided to pursue. I found a
reason to live in performing; I swear I live for this. Art feeds my heart and
soul; I wouldn’t wanna have it any other way. It’s not easy but it’s the only
thing I’m willing to fight for, honestly.
They say
I’m cruel and rude. Too honest, I speak without thinking. Well, maybe. I wear
my heart on my sleeve. I feel guilty. I wish I had told you how I was feeling,
I didn’t, I couldn’t. I was young and though this isn’t a good excuse it’s the
only one I have. I just recently realized you’re not coming back and it breaks
my heart into a million of pieces. I promised myself I will always express my
feelings whether they’re positive or negative. Some people love me for that
others hate me. I’ve never tried hurting a human being intentionally and if I
ever did I’m truly sorry.
I wish I
could talk to you about some guys. Whenever I tell them about you I get
emotional, I was lucky enough to meet some amazing people that tried hard to
help me, they failed but I appreciate them more than they can imagine.
I get panic
attacks often; it’s the scariest thing ever. It’s painful in a way you can’t
define pain. It’s like I’m dying. I can’t breathe. I can’t think straight. I
wish you were here and I was there. I can’t fix me and I don’t think anyone
else can. I wanna die young. Younger than you did, I’m sorry if that makes you
sad, I’m not as strong as you were. I’m sorry if I’ve disappointed you, I’m
trying hard to fight the demons in my head that keep insisting on ending it all
overnight. I have to live with them, I have to learn how to silence them,
sometimes I win, others they do.
Happy 48th Birthday,
Your daughter.
