More than words.

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Remember when I told you this wouldn’t last? And you didn’t wanna hear. But I was right. You said you’d never leave, you didn’t; though you pushed me away which is even worse cause I had to end it. I never wanted for it to end, I never wanted to lose you. I can’t imagine my life without you, our inside jokes, the bullshit, the deep conversations, the small talks. I’ll miss you sending me songs you clearly know are not my type of music, or puppies when I’m sad, or screenshots of your conversations with pretty much everyone. I’ve known you for such a short period of time but you felt like family to me, I was real, I was honest, I let you see the worst of me. You helped me so many times, you made me smile, you made me cry, we had countless fights, ugly moments, very bad ones. But I’m pretty sure there was love, real love.

I’m gonna be very open, vulnerable, emotional and possibly dramatic in this post. You changed my fucking life; I’ve told you so many times, you can’t even understand it. This hurts way more than a romantic break up, a rejection or even a failure in general. I failed you, you failed me, we let each other down. I will always be here and I will forever be waiting. The times I did you wrong, I hurt more than you did. The times you were not feeling well, I was worried as fuck, I wanted to be where you were to help you any way I could. You’re strong and brutal as fuck, you inspired me to be more risky, to give chances, to not give fucks and be stronger for myself.

This aches like shit, I don’t know how long it’ll take me to get over it or if I’ll ever confess all the things I confided in you to anyone else. We made dreams and plans together, we experienced things together although it was less than one fucking year. As I’m leaving, I’m letting you keep a piece of my heart, this is how much I loved you and still do. I’m sobbing and I feel sick to my stomach, I know I’ll be fine but I don’t know when.

I thought I would feel lighter or relieved or like I did the right thing. I’m not I have already regretted it but maybe just maybe it’ll feel right some other time, maybe after months or years or I don’t know, I don’t have a clue.

I don’t like being left alone in general. That being said, there were times I wanted you specifically to be there, I needed to talk to you and no one else. I’m thankful I met you and sorry I was so messed up. I’m a crybaby yet I don’t ever cry in front of others, you saw me crying. You saw my soul, you couldn’t understand it but you accepted it. I wish I was the tiniest bit mad at you, it’d be so much easier for me to move on but I just can’t. I love you more than words can say. Don’t forget about the good times. 

always here,
Athina, x.

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