The Worst Day.

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I was at school, last class of the day, Monday, 21st of February 2011. Right before I went in class the principal's assistant came and asked me to go with her. She just told me "Your dad is here" and all I replied was "I know what that's for. I'm a strong girl." She just hugged me. The only thing I remember after that is scenes from the funeral and the fact that I was playing "It's My Life" by Bon Jovi all the way. I won't go into further details as to what happened there, it's too brutal for my brain to relive that day.

February 21st 2011. The day the catastrophe began. The day my entire world shattered. The day I will never forget. The worst day of my life. Actually, no, that wasn't it, all the days after were. I'm still not nearly over it. My dad says I need to finally let go, not of my mum but of her loss. I can't, I just am incapable of not thinking about it at least 4 times a week. My mom is everywhere, in my room, my clothes, my jewelry, my purse, even my tights. I am in denial of not using her stuff or wearing her clothes. It's the only way I can feel her presence other than talking to her pictures in my room.

I can barely remember her voice but I remember the last day I saw her, the look in her eyes. She knew, she fucking knew. "I know you're gonna become better than me. I'm sure. And if you need to cry, then cry." I was staring back at her numb. I couldn't wrap my head around the possibility of not being able to touch her again. God damn, I wish I had one more day, just one more. I can recall her smell, her touch, the way I felt, the sense of security. I knew she loved me so much, I never questioned that, ever.

I'm in pain mum. I still am. I've tried letting go of your absence once too many times. I don't want to. Are you proud of me mum? I am a teacher now, too. Just like you, and I couldn't be more happy about it. Some days I feel "too happy", I feel guilty. Like I don't deserve it. I know it's wrong but I do.

You'd be devastated to hear this, but I promise I'm coming to find you soon. Sooner than you can imagine.

I love you and I miss you forever,
Your Daughter.

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