Lifentasy

Remember when I told you this wouldn’t last? And you didn’t wanna hear. But I was right. You said you’d never leave, you didn’t; though you pushed me away which is even worse cause I had to end it. I never wanted for it to end, I never wanted to lose you. I can’t imagine my life without you, our inside jokes, the bullshit, the deep conversations, the small talks. I’ll miss you sending me songs you clearly know are not my type of music, or puppies when I’m sad, or screenshots of your conversations with pretty much everyone. I’ve known you for such a short period of time but you felt like family to me, I was real, I was honest, I let you see the worst of me. You helped me so many times, you made me smile, you made me cry, we had countless fights, ugly moments, very bad ones. But I’m pretty sure there was love, real love. I’m gonna be very open, vulnerable, emotional and possibly dramatic in this post. You changed my fucking life; I’ve told you so many times, you can’t even under...

I wrote this a while ago but never got the chance to post it so, here you go... I decided to do something different for this post, from time to time I write articles with titles that either make no sense to anyone but myself or have nothing to do with the content. So, I thought it’d be cool to explain why I’ve used these titles for some of my posts. (if you click on the titles you can read the article it's referred to) 1.        YELL – ONE (the most asked about): If you know how to decode the title you get the name of the person it was written for. But I’ll never tell you how to do that, he’s the only one who knows.  2.        High Ceiling (the most irrelevant one): The reason why I named this specific post “High Ceiling” is because I was literally staring at the high ceiling of my room thinking about everything I wrote in it and also because someone I really love was in that room a couple of days prior an...

I had no doubt in my mind I’d come back, to be honest with you. In my last article I wrote about how my life has changed in a good way. Well, I guess you can’t have the rainbow without a little rain. This isn’t just about me; this is about you, too. This is your so-called sign and a reminder, an important one. Just know, as cliché as it might sound, you’re never alone. And you’re worth the whole damn world. You’ve come way too far to give up now. I know you’re tired, I feel it every day of my life. Go back to the beginning. Remember why and how you started. Throw away the trash and set bigger goals. Then S T O P giving fucks. Focus on the good and learn from the bad. Silence the voices in your head. Don’t pay attention to them. And if they’re loud, well, faith is louder. And if you need to shout, scream. If you need to cry, ball your eyes out. If you need air, leave the fucking house. Breathe. If I’ve learnt one thing after being screwed over once too many times is th...

Long time no see. As you may or may not know; the purpose of Lifentasy is solely to help me express my emotions and help myself and, hopefully, someone else, who’s dealing with something similar, heal. The reason why I've stopped posting regularly is because I don’t really need to anymore (oh, I’m busy too, duh). This past summer, someone very special to me, helped me understand the mistake I’d been making all these years: I was looking for people to fix me, when in fact, what I needed was someone to show me how to fix myself. And I found her. I’ve known her for 3 years now, but we started talking to each other in December. Long story short, the last 5 months we’re literally inseparable. She’s the most complex person I've met (after myself, obviously). We’re the same yet so fucking different. If I had one word to describe her it would be fire ; if you treat her right she’ll warm you up and make you feel secure and powerful af. But if you do her wrong, she’ll burn you...

It's one of those nights again, when I can't fall asleep despite being tired AF. So, as everyone else does on these sleepless nights, I was thinking a lot about the past. I thought that story was over but I guess this is my final say. I'm sorry, I truly, fucking, am. This time I actually mean it, no shade, no need of revenge, just a pure and honest apology. You apologized more than once and I realized owe you the same. I'm sorry for being too much and not knowing where to stop or how to limit myself. I'm sorry you felt intimidated by my words or actions. I'm sorry I left you with no room to breathe or leave. I'm sorry I didn't read the signs earlier. I'm sorry for the drama and the fights. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you the way you wanted and needed me to. But fore and foremost, I'm sorry I couldn't make you feel happy or good the way you made me. Thank you, for real this time, thank you for making me believe in soul mates, I swe...

This one is for all the people I walked away from; my high school boyfriend, my 3 teenage-years-besties, the 3 male close friends I had and in general anyone I ghosted although I had some kind of serious relationship with. Let me start off by saying that was never my initial intention. The reasons why I leave people are quite specific; though they change, they depend on the other person and our relationship. I’m for the most part, an introvert but if you earn my trust, I’ll be an open book and I will  quickly develop feelings and care for you. I can get very attached to those that allow me to, with their words or actions. I know I can be a pain in the ass and very hard to cope with, but be sure that if I start loving you, I’d do just about anything for you, no joke. Having said that, for me to walk away from someone is very rare so when it happens it’s cause I had no other choice.   I leave when I feel unwanted. When I notice someone’s behavior towards me changi...

Blurry images and a loud noise from within. The heartbeat getting faster, the emotions overflow her body and her need to sleep quickly goes away. Eyes wide open and confused brows. Why does it keep happening? Constant worry and frustration that replaced what once used to be surprise and ignorance. You know you can’t look past your instinct, right? Then exhaustion takes over; it overpowers the madness and the chaos inside her body and brain, it’s relieving. That feeling of drowning in your own thoughts with no chance of survival and no way out; when your only hope is to shut down just like that. All the paranoia behind closed doors and beneath the surface. All the burying, hiding and lying. If you don’t show, they won’t know. They don’t, zero clue, no idea. Some nights her demons wouldn't go to sleep, no matter how hard she’d beg them to. Other days the inner voices were too loud for her to simply ignore. The times when light is unable to find its way through the darkness. Th...